Remembrance
by KaguraShinra
Summary: Seifer, not shy about his feelings for Squall, is unaware that Squall is dealing with his own broken memories and feelings for Seifer, but he is too afraid to express them. Giving up, Seifer leaves Garden to be with Nida, but will Squall allow him to?
1. Part One

Remembrance

Kagura Kyo Shinra

**Warning: **This contains shounen-ai. That's boy-boy love. If you don't like that then don't read it.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing related to Final Fantasy.

* * *

Part One:

Squall made his way down the hallway to the cafeteria, chuckling silently to himself. Since Ultimecia's defeat, Cid's return and Seifer's appointment into SeeD, everything at Garden seemed the same as when Squall was still a cadet. Everything except Squall himself, that is. Even though Rinoa and he had broken up (she was now happily dating Zone and working on her relationship with her father¾the new president of Deling), she activated a reaction in him that changed him for the better, and everyday he was opening up more and more.

"I got the last one!" Zell screamed just as Squall walked through the cafeteria doors. He was waving around a hotdog like a flag.

"I guess I missed out," Squall sighed. "Oh well, looks like . . . Ugh! What is that?"

In one of the food bins behind the counter stood a strange concoction of every vegetable Squall could think of and some kind of brown sauce with a smell that stung his eyes.

"I think it's already been eaten once," Squall said.

"Come on, Squally, don't be a coward. Try some," Seifer said, patting Squall on the back roughly.

"That's alright, Seifer, but why don't you try some?"

Squall reached over the counter and took a large ladle-full of the substance. It didn't drip but oozed down the side of the plastic instrument.

He held it up to Seifer's face. "Go ahead, Seifer."

"I am not eating that," Seifer said with a laugh. "Hey, Squall." He motioned toward Zell.

Zell hadn't eaten his hotdog yet. Not aware of the other two boys' plot, he simply stared at his hotdog, admiring it like a work of art.

Seifer and Squall nodded to each other.

"Zell, what's that?" Seifer shouted.

As Zell was preoccupied with nothing, Squall slathered the vegetable mixture onto his hotdog.

"What's what?"

"Oh, never mind. Here, eat up!"

Seifer shoved the hotdog in Zell's mouth, and Zell took a large, ignorant bite.

"Something . . ." he said.

His eyes widened, and he opened his mouth, sticking out his tongue, causing the partially chewed food to fly out and onto the floor. A passing junior classman slipped on it and nearly fell on his head.

"I think I'm off hotdogs for a while."

"Or maybe just vegetable goo," Seifer suggested.

Zell looked at the vegetable substance and back at Squall and Seifer. His face swiftly took on a shade of maroon, and he began screaming obscenities at the two other boys. As he began to prepare for an attack, Squall and Seifer concluded they may had gone too far and decided a retreat in order. Without more hesitation, Squall and Seifer raced out of the cafeteria. They didn't stop until they reached the training facility, where they jumped into a group of bushes to wait and see if Zell had followed.

Squall couldn't believe how much fun being friends with Seifer could be. He'd always spent his days trying to avoid Seifer, but when Seifer came back, the two suddenly entered a friendship Squall never knew they could have. At first Squall couldn't believe he was spending so much time with his old rival, but he soon realized that it was nice to have a best-friend, especially someone as dynamic, outgoing and unsquall-like as Seifer.

Seifer pressed his body against Squall's, lowering his lips to the younger man's ear. "I think we lost him." He leaned in a little closer. "You run like a little rabbit, Squall. I wonder if you'll ever run like that _too _somebody, rather than from."

"Seifer," Squall said with a hint of warning.

"You know I'd like to see that."

"You'd like to be the one I'm running to."

"What if I do? Damn you look really sexy right now."

"Let's stop this before I have to say something that will hurt you, Seifer."

"I'm sorry, Squall," Seifer mumbled and pulled away from Squall, a blush spreading across his face.

"I told you I'm willing to be your friend, but I won't indulge you."

"I know. I really am sorry," he said, rising to his feet.

Squall caught the sleeve of his jacket. "Don't go running away, Seifer. We can forget the conversation. You promised me a good training session."

"I'm not gonna run, Squall. I just wanna be alone."

"Seifer, I'm sorry that I don't . . ."

"It's okay . . . really."

* * *

"You should be proud of yourself, Squall," Rinoa said over the phone.

"I just can't help feel bad though."

"If you're not attracted to him then there's nothing you can do or no reason you should feel bad. As long as you treat him well."

"I know, but . . ."

Rinoa waited a long time before answering. "You're not telling me everything, Squall. Please, tell me what you're _feeling_," she urged.

Squall scribbled a few circles and squares on a sheet of blank paper to avoid answering. How could he explain to Rinoa how he felt when he wasn't even sure himself? Something about Seifer definitely pulled at him. It always had, but Squall wasn't that courageous yet. Seifer was Seifer and he had an attitude and behavior that always seemed to overwhelm Squall. Since they'd become friends, Seifer seemed kinder, but he was still Seifer. All his romantic ideas seemed truly romantic while he was only chasing Squall, but what would happen if Squall let Seifer catch him? Squall couldn't take being hurt by Seifer in such intimate ways.

"I don't know how I feel. I mean, when you came into my life Rinoa, you changed me, and that scared me. I knew I loved you, but I knew I wasn't in love, but I'm so afraid of falling in love."

"You've never felt that way before, right?"

"Yeah."

"What happens if it turns out badly? Is that what you're afraid of? Seifer can be scary, but I know from first hand experience that he isn't bad."

"I don't even know if I _do _feel that way, and I don't want to try. What if I ruin the friendship we have? What if I do care for him?"

"Would that really be so bad?"

"I'm like a child with all this, Rinoa. I'm on foreign territory."

"You're too afraid to even examine how you feel for him, right?"

"Yeah. Rinoa, you don't know the cruel tings he's done to me. I couldn't take it if I did like him, if I did open myself to him and he hurt me."

"I guess, just keep working on it, Squall. You have to figure this out eventually or else everything will blow up anyway."

"I know. Thank you, Rinoa."

Squall hung up the phone, just as he heard a knock at his door.

"Come in."

The door opened slowly, and Seifer walked in.

"Selphie sent me to make sure you were here," Seifer said.

"What's she so worried . . . Oh, the Garden Festival is tonight, right?"

"She said that if you don't show up, she'll drag you in by your ankles." Seifer grinned. "I told her I'd be more than glad to do that."

Squall rolled his eyes. "You're so perverse, Seifer."

Seifer smirked. "That's what everybody loves about me. Well, what _most _people love about me."

"Rinoa'll be here," Squall said. "I had to convince Zone that I wasn't trying to steal her back though. He wanted to come, but Rinoa explained it would be stupid if she was my date and he was her date."

Seifer laughed. "That Zone . . . I'm not surprised he fell for her, but I am surprised they ended up together. I really thought . . . well, I guess, we all thought that you two would be together forever."

"Things don't always work out the way people think they will."

"Or hope," Seifer murmured.

"So," Squall said, "have you asked anybody?"

Seifer blushed lightly and fiddled with the cuffs of his coat. "Yes . . . I did ask . . . asked Nida."

"Oh! Nida!"

For some reason, this announcement greatly annoyed Squall. Nida was a moron and would never be good enough for Seifer. His boorish brain and weak manors would never strive to entertain Seifer's grand, complex mind.

"Well, I think he's rather cute," Seifer mumbled.

"Ha! I always find it entertaining when the great Seifer is embarrassed."

"Squall," Seifer whispered. "You're so mean sometimes."

"I know." Squall placed his hand on Seifer's shoulder and sighed. "But you know that I really am your friend, Seifer?"

Seifer nodded, not looking Squall in the eyes. "Yeah, that's what make it so bad, Squall."

* * *

"I love what Selphie's done with this place!" Rinoa squealed as she looked around the ballroom with avid eyes. "And there are so many more people this year than last."

"Well, last year was kind of a bad time."

"That's true," Rinoa admitted.

The festival had been going on for an hour already. Rinoa and Squall had danced and talked quite a bit, but Squall's mind was preoccupied. Seifer and Nida still hadn't shown up, and Squall wanted to see Seifer more than anyone else at that moment, even though he wasn't sure why exactly.

"Is Seifer even coming?" Rinoa asked. "You said he was coming with that Nida guy? I remember him. I really can't see him and Seifer together. He's kinda . . . blah."

"I know what you mean. For some reason it really pisses me of to think of the two of them together, but if Nida makes him happy . . ."

"Isn't that them?" Rinoa interrupted. "Oh, they look a little . . . Squall . . . " She giggled. "I think they had a little bit of fun before they came here."

"What?"

Squall snapped his head up and starred at the entrance, his jaw slowly lowering. Seifer and Nida had entered, Seifer's arm around Nida's waist. They looked slightly disheveled but were straightening out their clothes and hair. They were also whispering and laughing in each other's ears.

"Oh, there's Squall and Rinoa!" Nida shouted and dragged Seifer toward their table. "Hi, Squall!"

"Nida, Seifer, it's good to see that you two finally decided to show up," Squall scowled. "I would have been a little annoyed if I was forced to come here and you escaped."

"We got a little distracted," Seifer grinned and his cheeks tinted.

"Is that a blush, Seifer?" Rinoa asked. "I _wonder _what you two were doing then." She broke into a fit of giggles. "Which one was on top?"

"Rinoa!" Squall shouted.

"What?"

"Don't ask questions like that!"

"What's the matter, Squally? Do they make you uncomfortable?" Seifer teased.

"I just thought it might embarrass you."

"Don't worry about Seifer," Nida said. "He's definitely not bashful, and to answer your question, Seifer was."

As Squall struggled to delete that information from his mind, he was interrupted by the sight of something that proved to infuriate him further. Nida had begun to rub Seifer's shoulder in an extremely sensual way. How could Seifer allow someone as humdrum as Nida to touch him in such tender ways? But more importantly, why was all this even bothering Squall?

Squall forced himself to look away from the happy couple, straining to understand what he was feeling. His own emotions were a mystery to himself because he'd never taken the time to feel them before. He'd never felt jealously like this before, and he was too afraid to examine the situation closer. He couldn't know the truth. What if . . .

Rinoa lightly touched Squall's knee under the table and caught his eye with a warm smile.

"Nida," she said, "would you care to dance?"

Nida politely accepted her request, and Squall and Seifer were soon left alone. Squall felt relieved to see Nida disappearing, and his nerves and fears relaxed.

"I've never seen you looking so happy, Seifer. I'm glad that Nida can make you fell that way."

"Well, it could have been anybody, really. I guess, I've just been so lonely lately that it's nice to find somebody who is so crazy about me."

"You don't have to settle, Seifer," Squall said. "I'm sure there . . . "

"Yes I do," Seifer replied firmly. "And you know that, so don't play that stupid game where you pretend like you don't."

"What game, Seifer? I'm not playing any games."

"Save it, Squall. It irritates me more when you act like my feelings don't exist. I'm not ashamed of my feelings, so you don't have to pretend on my account."

"I'm not pretending."

"Then why do you tell me lies like I don't have to settle? You're the only one I've ever wanted, Squall. So, I have to settle."

Squall looked away, desperately wishing Rinoa would return and save him from this torment, but he couldn't see her. He was alone.

"And it's not like he's a bad person. Nida's really nice, and I'll learn to care for him."

"That's enough, Seifer," Squall demanded. "I can't listen to anymore."

"What? Oh, I'm sorry. Does the pathetic Seifer Almasy bother you? Forgive me for making the great Squall Leonhart uncomfortable."

"Don't be that way, Seifer." He rested his hand on the back of Seifer's. "I hate myself when you tell me your story because it's my fault."

"That's not true." He pulled his hand away. "And don't touch me like that unless you mean it, Squall. I can't bare to be tricked into thinking there's a chance, but I appreciate your thoughtfulness." He spoke not in a warning manor, just simply as if he was noting the weather.

"I'm sorry. I forgot myself."

Squall watched Seifer, but he couldn't read anything in his face. The only thing Squall could think about was how Seifer was too good for Nida, but why did he care? If he just knew how he felt about Seifer, everything would be better. But was he just afraid, or was he selfish? Did he want Seifer to be alone forever just so he could fawn over Squall? Did Squall enjoy seeing his old rival brought down so low? No, that couldn't be it! Squall couldn't be that selfish.

"This lady dances wonderfully, but I would like to dance with my companion," Nida said as he and Rinoa returned.

Seifer took his hand and disappeared on the dance floor with him.

"So what did the two of you talk about?" Rinoa asked.

"I'm a coward, Rinoa. It has to be that because I'm not that selfish."

"Squall?"

"I hate Nida. He'll never make Seifer as happy as Seifer should be . . . but, Rinoa, Seifer scares me! His emotions are too strong, and he's hurt me so many times in life . . . how can he ever treat me like that?"

He and Rinoa watched the two of them dance amongst the crowds. They danced in and out of site, moving carefully and delicetly but oddly out of step with each other.

* * *

Only a month later, Squall was hardly sleeping or eating due to the sickening relationship growing between Seifer and Nida. It seemed like the two boys had been fussed together. Every time Squall thought he would get a minute alone with Seifer, Nida quickly appeared.

"Nida's starting to creep me out a bit," Rinoa confessed. "He's following Seifer around constantly. It's sickening."

"You think so too?" Squall asked. "I was afraid it was just me."

"No, he's weird. I just can't understand why Seifer puts up with him. Seifer hated it when I hung all over him. I mean, he wasn't physically void, but as much as Nida hangs on him is too much."

"Seifer is settling."

"What do you mean?"

"He can't have what he wants, so he's settling for Nida. That's pretty much what he told me anyway."

"Why does everything have to be so complicated," she asked. "I thought once we defeated Ultimecia, everything would be fine."

"Fuck, speak of the devil. Here comes Nida. Why is it that when I see one of them alone, it's always him?"

"You two look a little glum," Nida said as he approached them. "Have either of you seen Seifer?"

They shook their heads.

"Get lost, did you?" Squall whispered venomously.

"What'd you say?" Nida asked.

"Oh!" Rinoa gasped.

"Something wrong?" Squall asked.

"I think!"

"Rinoa are you alright?"

"The library! I saw him in the library! Come on Nida!"

She grabbed Nida's hand and dragged him toward the library. Squall watched after them, a little hurt that Rinoa had left without even saying goodbye.

"Squally!"

Squall jumped and turned around to find Seifer standing behind him. He smiled to himself and mentally apologized to Rinoa for distrusting her.

"Have you seen Nida?" Seifer asked.

Nida? Nida who?

"Nida? Nope. No Nida here. Nope."

"Was that Rinoa's voice I heard? What were you two talking about? Thinking about getting back together?"

"No, we weren't talking about anything."

Seifer began glancing around the hallway, looking for Nida, and Squall had a sudden impulse to say anything that would make Seifer realize the foolishness of he and Nida's relationship. His impulse was so strong his mouth ran away from his brain.

"Actually, we were talking about you and Nida," Squall said bravely. "You know, the way you two go on with each other¾him hanging all over you. It makes some people a little queasy."

"Is that so?"

"It's just that you don't seem like the type to allow that."

"How would _you _know?"

Seifer wasn't yelling and didn't seem angry, which made Squall even more nervous than if Seifer had punched him. He suddenly realize how stupid he was to have mentioned any of this, and he had to find a way to smooth this over quickly.

"Sorry if I offended you. I've been kinda busy and don't really know what I'm saying."

"You know very well what you're saying. Don't give me that crap about being busy. I've seen the way you treat Nida now that we're together¾as if it bothers you that we're together."

"It doesn't bother me. You're my friend, and I want you to be happy. I just want to make sure he makes you happy."

"Come off it, Squall. That's not what it looks like to either me or Nida. It looks like . . ."

"Like what?" Squall warned.

"Like you're jealous."

"Jealous! Of Nida? Right. That's not it, Seifer. I . . ."

Squall turned his back to Seifer, but Seifer grabbed his shoulder and spun him around so they were eye to eye.

"I'm going to ask you a question, Squall, and I want you to answer me."

"Go on."

"Do you feel like you could ever have any romantic feelings for me? Don't look away! Tell me if there is any doubt in you mind that you may have feelings for me, even if you don't understand them, even if it's the smallest bit. Because it sure as hell looks like you've been acting like a jealous lover."

Squall's chest pounded, but he used all his battle training to force himself to appear calm. Seifer was asking him point blank the same thing Squall had been struggling with. But he couldn't say¾not with Seifer's intense eyes staring at him with a wild romantic passion in them that Squall was too afraid to allow himself to feel or let anyone feel for him.

"I'm sorry, Seifer. I only think of you as my friend. I just don't think Nida is right for you."

"So there's nothing then?" Seifer probed, searching Squall's face. "When you see me, you just picture the poor Seifer who's in love with you and can't have you?"

He had to escape.

"Seifer, let's finish this later. I have a billion papers to fill out. So . . ."

Seifer grabbed Squall's wrist. "Wait a minute. I wanna talk about this some more. I wanna know exactly what's going on in your head."

"I already told you!" Squall yelled and yanked his hand away. "I have to go. Don't be so pathetic."

"That's right!" Seifer shouted as Squall walked away. "Go along with the other ostrich and burry your head, Squall! I'm sure you'll find some sand in the training center. You'd rather bring yourself to exhaustion than face me or yourself!"

Squall turned his corner and broke into a run. He didn't stop until he reached the training center. After killing a few T-Rexurs and nearly brining himself to exhaustion, he dropped to knees, sweat dripping down his face, knowing Seifer's words were true.

"What's wrong with me?" he asked. "Why don't I just tell him that I don't know how I feel? I don't even know myself. I'm so afraid. Why can't I just trust him and myself?"

* * *

Using his skills at pretending things weren't there, Squall avoided talking to Seifer about their conversation or Seifer's feelings. Seifer too seemed for once to want to just drop the whole thing, which annoyed Squall a little. For three months, Squall kept himself busy to near exhaustion while Seifer and Nida's relationship grew into a full fledged romance.

Rinoa had taken it upon herself to visit at least once a week, practically breaking down into tears because of Squall's stupid, unhealthy behavior. He hardly slept, ate and never had free-time anymore.

"I'm just so worried about you, Squall. Everybody is." Rinoa said.  
"I don't know why. I'm perfectly fine. I've just been extremely busy."

"Quistis said you get like five hours of sleep a night, and it's not even in your room. You sleep here, passed out at your desk."

"Quistis should mind her own business," Squall warned.

"You're her friend, so when you're being an idiot, it is her business. It's mine too," she shouted.

"I means a lot to me," he breathed. "It does, but I'm fine."

"How many times have you spoken to Seifer since then?"

"Not much, and I don't have to."

"Why don't you go to Esthar and spend some time with Laguna. You know, a vacation."

"No time, Rinoa. Just drop it."

"You're such an idiot, Squall. I don't even know why I bother coming here to see you!" She began to cry. "It's like you've reverted to your old horrible self. You were becoming so much more open."

He put his arms around her to comfort her.

"I'm sorry, Rinoa. Maybe a vacation would be a good idea."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I'll go and spend some time with Laguna."

"Oh Squall!" She kissed his cheek. "I'll go and call him."

"Alright. I just have a few papers to look at, and then I'll go pack."

Rinoa beamed at him and skipped out the door to call Laguna and tell everybody Squall would be okay. Squall picked up the paper on top of his stack and read it. As soon as he had finished, he reached for the intercom.

"Marietta, could you get me Seifer Almasy?"

"Yes, Mr. Leonhart."

Squall looked at the paper in his hand again¾Nida's letter of resignation. This would end the relationship for sure.

"Squall?" Seifer asked as he peeked in.

"Come in, Seifer. Sit down."

Seifer sat and looked at Squall curiously. "You've been so busy we haven't had time to talk."

"I received Nida's letter of resignation," Squall said.

Seifer didn't look up from the floor of Squall's office.

"I'm sorry . . ."

"Don't be. You see, Nida has always wanted to own his own store. It's always been his dream, and he finally has enough money to start it."

"So, you two have already talked this over?"

"Yes."

"Well, you know, we're all here for you, me included, if you need to talk."

"I know, but I don't think that'll be necessary."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm thinking about going with Nida."

"What?"

Squall rose from his desk and hurried to the other side, where Seifer sat.

"You can't just leave."

"I think I can be happy if I'm with somebody who I know cares about me. It's only been a few months, but I think I can learn to be happy."

"Listen to yourself, Seifer!" Squall shouted. "You can 'learn to be happy.' What the hell does that mean! Don't you want to be happy because you have something you want!"

"Fuck you, Squall!"

Seifer jumped to his feet and knocked his chair out behind him. It fell over with a loud clang. Squall immediately moved to pick it up, but Seifer grabbed him and shoved him away from it.

"Stop it! Stop messing with all the little things just so you don't have to deal with me! I'm right here, Squall!"

Squall grabbed Seifer by the front of his coat and shoved him backwards until he hit the desk.

"You think I don't see you!" Squall shouted. "Fuck, Seifer, even when you're not right in front of me, you're still there. Every damn minute, you're there!"

"Oh, and that's my fault, I guess! It's my fault you're the only person who's ever made sense to me! I didn't ask for any of this! I don't want this pain! Do you know what it's like to see the person you care for more than anyone else everyday, to have him so close, but you know you can't have him?"

"I don't try to hurt you, Seifer," Squall said, feeling calmer due to the pain he sensed in Seifer. "Sometimes I feel like you try to make me feel bad on purpose."

"I don't," Seifer said, calming down as well. "I know I say things sometimes. I'm sorry for that, Squall. My mouth just gets away from me sometimes."

". . . If you go with Nida, what will you do?"

Seifer shrugged. He picked up the chair and sat down. "I'll work in the store too."

"That's too boring for you, Seifer. Please, stay here. I'll find somebody for you who will worship you."

"Why do you want me to stay so badly? What are you feeling?"

Squall turned away from him and walked to the window. He couldn't tell the truth, but he could tell part of it. It would only hurt Seifer to know of Squall's cowardliness.

"Sometimes," he began, "I have these strange flashes of memory. Ones that break through the GF's hold. They're short and fuzzy, but you're always there. And it's not the you I thought I remembered. It's a much younger you. Not at the orphanage, we're definitely at Garden already but still young. You're always smiling to me, not that sneer I know, but a kind smile. I don't know for sure, but it seems like you treat me gently and as though I really want you to be my friend because of that, I want to know the truth."

"We really are messed up, huh?" Seifer said. "Can't even remember our lives."

"But you remember more than I do, Seifer. You never used as may GF's as I did. Plus, when you were with Ultimecia, she helped you, didn't she? Tell me, am I remembering the truth, because it's so hard for me, Seifer. My memories lie to me. I only remember the bad things for sure, but maybe the good outweighs them. Tell me, Seifer!"

Seifer didn't speak for a long time. "No, I . . . I don't remember for sure."

"You're lying."

"Maybe I am, but it doesn't matter. I don't want to think about those days . . . they make my head hurt. Don't make me remember, Squall. Please, if you care for me even as just a friend, don't make me remember."

"Don't I have a right to know?"

"No, you don't."

"What?"

"They're mine because they meant the most to me back then and hurt me most now. Why do you want to know so badly anyway?"

Again, a chance to tell the truth, be he had to lie.

"I just wanna know my past. If we really were good friends back then, I don't wanna see you unhappy. I wouldn't want to see any of my friends unhappy."

"Why should it matter if we were friends then. We're friends now, aren't we? I known the truth, Squall."

"You do?" Squall gulped.

"Yes. You remember odd pieces that disgust you, and you wonder how you could have been so sick, but you were young. It's normal. Don't feel disgusted."

"What the hell are you babbling about?"

"Please, I don't wanna talk about it anymore. You know what I mean, Squall."

"No, I don't, but if it bothers you that much, I take back my question. But, Seifer, will you stay?"

"I've decided," Seifer said. "I'm going to go with him."

"But why?" Squall demanded.

"Because it hurts too much to be here, Squall. Please, let me go. If you ask me to stay again, I'm afraid I won't be strong enough to go."

Squall took a few large strides, closing the space between them. He put his arms around Seifer and hugged him tightly.

"I won't ask again. I won't make you stay someplace that hurts you."

Seifer pressed himself against Squall's body and buried his head in the brunet's neck.

"If only . . ."

"You should probably tell Nida of your decision."

Squall began to pull away, but Seifer clung tighter.

"Just a moment longer, Squall. For just a moment, I want to pretend it's not just a dream."

Squall rested his hand on Seifer's head, gently caressing the soft hairs and losing himself in Seifer's dream.

* * *

TBC . . . 


	2. Part Two

Remembrance

Kagura Kyo Shinra

**Warning: **This contains shounen-ai. That's boy-boy love. If you don't like that then don't read it.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing related to Final Fantasy.

* * *

Part Two:

"I refuse to believe that you just let him go," Rinoa said.

"There was nothing I could do, Rinoa." He paused. "Thank you for coming out here to speak with me."

"You didn't expect me to just speak with you on the phone about something this important, did you?"

"Rinoa, you're so good. Do me a favor."

"Anything!" she said and stroked his arm.

"Leave Zone and come back to me so we can spend our lives together."

"Oh, Squall!" She laughed. "And what good would that do? We'd both end up in a meaningless relationship. True, we love each other more than most friends, but both of use have fallen for somebody else."

"Shouldn't that be my punishment for sending Seifer into the same kind of life?"

"Seifer . . ." Rinoa said thoughtfully. "I wonder why he wouldn't tell you if your memories were true. I know he remembers. It just must be painful for him. Squall, do you trust me?"

"Of course."

Rinoa smiled and placed her hand on the top of Squall's head. She began to speak to him, but he could no longer hear her, only see her mouth moving. The room grew dark, darker, and his eyes heavy. Then everything disappeared.

_"Ahahaha, look at her, she doesn't even see us!" Seifer whispered._

_Squall looked at him with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. "Quistis would have us punished if she caught us out so late."_

_The boys looked to be around 10 or 11. They were never apart, and Squall liked the feeling of having Seifer beside him. It gave him a tingle of excitement if he accidentally brushed up against him or felt Seifer's breath in his ear. _

_"Where'd she go, Squally?"_

_"I don't . . ." Squall's words broke off into a grand yawn._

_"You sleepy?"_

_"No," Squall said, rubbing his eyes. "There's no way I'm gonna give up before midnight. We made a vow that we'd stay up to see if that ghost really walks the halls at midnight."_

_"I don't want you to make yourself sick. Here."_

_Seifer pulled his coat off and laid it on the dirt of the indoor garden in the quad. He sat and pulled Squall down beside him. Squall wrapped his arms around one of Seifer's, explaining that he was cold, and then rested his head upon Seifer's broad shoulder. _

_"Better?" Seifer asked._

_"The best," Squall mumbled, but Seifer didn't hear him._

_Seifer brought up his other hand and ran it through Squall's hair. "You're so pretty, Squall. Please, let's not ever stop being friends, because I couldn't stand that."_

_Squall listened to Seifer's words, but he paid more attention to the rhythmic vibrations they caused in both Seifer's body as well as his own. Something was right here, but young Squall didn't know enough to grasp what._

_A swirling black poured around Squall, and he closed his eyes only to wake up again someplace else. _

_"Hey, Leonhart!" Eric, a last year student (who still hadn't made SeeD yet) called._

_Squall stood firm, but his young body (which looked about 12 now) wavered a bit._

_"Isn't it a little late for you to be walking around the training center?"_

_"It's not after hours," Squall said._

_Eric approached Squall quickly and resolutely. He grabbed the boy's thin wrist and held it firmly. _

_"It's dangerous in here, but I'll take you somewhere safe."_

_He pressed his crotch against Squall's hip and rubbed Squall's shoulders roughly. Squall tried to pull away but Eric was much larger than him. He hated the way Eric made him feel dirty and worthless. _

_"Come on, Squall. Don't be so shy." He squeezed Squall's butt and breathed heavily in his ear. "Fuck you're ass is so tight."_

_"Please, let me go," Squall whined._

_"What's the matter? You'll only putout for Seifer?"_

_"Seifer and I are only friends."_

_"Good, then he won't mind if I have some fun with you."_

_He leaned into Squall._

_ROAR!_

_"Oh, fuck!" Eric shouted. "What the hell's a T-Rexaur doing in the entrance?"_

_Eric shoved Squall down and ran out of the training center as fast as he could. _

_Squall stared at the great monster in front of him, too scared to move._

_"Squally!" _

_Seifer ran up to him and grabbed his hand. _

_"I released the T-Rexaur to save you from dumb-ass, but don't let it get you!"_

_Squall stood up and followed Seifer out of the training center. As they exited, a group of SeeD's raced in to take care of the monster._

_"Thank you, Seifer," Squall said._

_"Don't worry about it, Squall. That guy is a jerk! Please, try to stay away from him. I don't want him to hurt you."_

_Squall blushed and grinned. Seifer's attention always got to him and made him feel perfect._

_The room faded again and Squall was transported once again._

_"Seifer," Squall mumbled. "I have to begin using GFs next week. Are they difficult to control?"_

_"I don't really use that many, Squall. But I know you're strong enough."_

_"I can't help feel as though this is some kind of turning point or something."_

_His body now had the clear form of a young 15 year old. _

_"Sit down," Seifer said motioning to the spot beside him on the quad floor._

_Squall began to sit down but hesitated. He blushed and sat down in front of Seifer, between his legs._

_"Squall?" Seifer asked. "What are you doing?"_

_Squall leaned back and rested his head against Seifer's chest._

_"It feels good here, Seifer. You're not angry, are you?"_

_Seifer put his hands on Squall's hips and pulled him closer. _

_"Squall," he moaned into the younger boy's ear. _

_Squall felt his body react to Seifer's, and although he was still young, he knew he could spend his life here and be happy._

_Squall twisted his body around enough to face Seifer. He touched Seifer's cheek and sighed._

_"Seifer . . ."_

_Seifer closed the distance between their mouths and captured Squall in a soft kiss. And in that instant, Squall knew he belonged in that spot forever._

Squall stretched his arms and yawned. The couch under him was soft, and somebody was holding his hand in a gentle motherly grasp.

"Rinoa?" Squall asked groggily.

"You awake?" she asked.

Squall sat up and looked around. He was back in his office, lying on the couch. Rinoa sat on the floor beside him, holding his hand.

"What happened?" he asked.

"I'm sorry, Squall. I just wanted you to be able to remember that's why I used my powers to awaken them. Are you angry?"

"No, no!" he said. "I'm so grateful!" He kissed her forehead. "You made me remember!"

"Remember what?" She shied away. "I mean, if you don't mind telling me."

Squall stood up and put his coat on.

"Where are you going?"

"To Dollet. That's where Seifer is. I'm going to get him."

"You're going to tell him how you feel! How _do _you feel, Squall?"

Squall continued to get ready to leave, as he did, he spoke to her quickly and firmly. "I know he won't hurt me. I thought I remembered things, but I was only remembering part. Maybe my mind only let me remember the bad things to push him away, but it doesn't matter now. I know the truth, Rinoa. He's the only one I've ever understood and who's understood me. I'm not gonna just let him get away! He only treated me badly after I forgot the relationship we shared. When we became friends again, Seifer treated me good again. He was only hurt, but now . . . Rinoa! I can't even think!" Squall stopped and turned to her. "What if . . . what if he doesn't want me anymore? What if he's happy with Nida now? What if he doesn't want to give me a chance because of how I've pulled away all this time?"

"Don't think, just feel!" Rinoa shouted. "He's not gonna push you away. Just tell him you remember the friendship you had, the friendship that was about to turn into something else, and you're not afraid anymore. Oh, Squall!" She said, clasping her hands. "You guys are going to be so happy!"

Rinoa's words resounded in Squall's ears, but he couldn't be sure. He'd pushed Seifer away for so long. What if Seifer wouldn't give him a chance?

* * *

Squall spent a week in Dollet, and finally decided to give up. He was sure Seifer and Nida had gone to Dollet when they left, but he must have been mistaken. They were no where to be found.

"Looking down," the bartender of the pub Squall was eating in told him. "Lost your girl?"

"Something like that . . ." Squall mumbled.

"You sound just like that other young man . . . about your age too."

"Is that so?" Squall said with an angry sigh.

He had no desire to speak with this old man about nonsense. The only thing on his mind was Seifer.

"Poor young man . . . His boyfriend had dumped him and moved to Timber. Something about his store wouldn't work here, so he wanted to go to another town, but that blonde boy said Timber would bring too many bad thoughts . . . Thing is, I think it was something else bothering him not his boyfriend leaving . . . Poor Seifer."

"Seifer!" Squall shouted.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was his name."

"Where is he?"

"Let's see . . . I think he said he was going to get a job at the fishing docks."

"Thanks!"

Squall threw some money on the counter and ran out of the pub. He ran and didn't stop until he had reached the docks. They were empty, but a row of one room apartments for the workers stood nearby. Squall ran to each of them, knocking on every door until he finally found the one he was searching for.

"Squall!" Seifer said as he opened the door. "What are you doing here?"

"I had to find you. Please, I need to talk."

Seifer let him in and closed the door behind them. He offered him some of the strange food that was apparently his dinner, but Squall politely refused.

"How did you find me?"

"I've been here for like a week, but I didn't think to check the fishing docks. I was going to leave tomorrow, but the old man in the pub told me about you . . . and Nida."

"Oh." Seifer rubbed the back of his head and turned away. "It just didn't work . . ."

"Why didn't you come back to Garden?"

"I couldn't," Seifer said. "I couldn't go back again and face it all. I wanted this to be the end of it, but it didn't matter . . . I realized there is no end with you, Squall. No matter what I do, I can't forget you."

"Then you won't send me away?"

Seifer laughed a great barking laugh, and then realized Squall was serious.

"Why would I send you away? I'm glad to see you, Squall."

"Seifer!" Squall shouted.

Tears stung his eyes but didn't fall. He threw himself against Seifer's strong frame, clutching onto his arms. But Seifer pushed him away.

"Don't, Squall," he said. "Your body against mine makes me feel to good."

Squall struggled to find Seifer's body again, but Seifer continued to hold him at arm's length.

"What's gotten into you?"

"I remember, Seifer!" he sobbed, allowing himself to cry. "I remember everything. I remember what I felt. I remember how you looked at me!"

"You remember . . . how?"

"Rinoa used her powers to help me remember, and I know that I needed you back then because you were the only person who saw me for who I was, and I need you now."

"Oh, Squall," Seifer said with an amused but disappointed sigh. "You're just confused because all of your memories have suddenly come rushing back. You were just curious back then, I've realized that for a while now and have accepted it. You don't really feel this way or else you would have realized it before. Feelings are something you can't forget."

Squall squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stop himself from crying, but he couldn't. Seifer patted his head and let go of him, stepping away. Squall bowed his head but continued to look at Seifer like a child.

"Please, don't cry Squall. And don't look at me like that, God it makes me wanna take you right now. See, don't worry about making me feel bad. Everything I feel isn't romantic nonsense, I do fantasize about sleeping with you, Squall." He peered at Squall, questionably. "Take that uncomfortable knowledge and use it to stop feeling sorry for me. You'll feel better."

"I really wanted to believe Rinoa when she said that you wouldn't push me away." Squall's vision dropped to the floor. "All this time that you've been back, I've been scared of getting close to you because I knew you'd hurt me, but when I remembered . . . I knew you couldn't ever hurt me. But right now I'm in so much pain I don't think I can breath."

Squall stood in the silent room for a moment, preparing himself to leave and then turned to go.

"Wait a minute," Seifer said, catching Squall's shoulder and turning him back around. "What do you mean you were scared?"

"I didn't understand at first, but then I realized that I was attracted to you, but I was so afraid you'd end up hurting me. The only memories I had of you ended up with you doing something cruel."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was afraid it would hurt you even more."

"No, Squall," Seifer said. "You lied to me. You just completely lied to me."

"What are you talking about?"

"I asked you twice if there were any doubts in your mind that you might care for me, and you said no. How can I trust what you're telling me now if you lied to me then?"

Panic raced through Squall's body. He couldn't stand to have Seifer not believe him or reject him, but he was right. He had lied to Seifer. If he hadn't have been so much of a coward none of this would be happening.

"I was afraid, Seifer," Squall whispered. "I didn't want to hurt you."

"Maybe you should go," Seifer said.

"What?"

"Maybe I was wrong about everything. Maybe my own memories are fooling me. I thought that you and I could never hurt each other, but you lied to me, and I just don't know anymore Squall. You should go."

Squall stared at Seifer, tears brimming his eyes. How could Seifer turn him away like this? How could Squall leave this place without Seifer, knowing he'd never be in those strong arms again? But perhaps it was what he deserved for his cowardliness.

Squall looked up at Seifer one last time, and then turned for the door.

"Go back to Garden, Squall," Seifer sighed. "Forget about this whole mistake that was us."

Squall shook his head. "I'm not going back to Garden. There's nothing for me there," he explained and disappeared through the door.

* * *

TBC . . . 


	3. Part Three

Remembrance

Kagura Kyo Shinra

**Warning: **This contains shounen-ai. That's boy-boy love. If you don't like that then don't read it.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing related to Final Fantasy.

* * *

Part Three:

"Wake up!"

Seifer opened his eyes and the angry face of Rinoa came into focus.

"What are you doing . . . "

"Get up!" she bellowed and kicked the bed.

"What is it?" he screamed back at her. "I'm trying to sleep."

"I don't care what you're trying to do, and do you know why that is? It's because you're the dumbest person I know."

Seifer stood up, growing irritated at her now. She had no right to invade his home and start harassing him without explaining herself.

"Are you going to explain anything to me?"

"Well, for starters, did you know that running Garden is a lot harder than it looks. Well, that's what Quistis told me anyway?" she spat.

"Why is Quistis running Garden? Is Squall sick?" he asked.

"Oh, well, maybe. You see nobody's seen him after he left here last week. We've all been searching for him, but even Laguna has no clue where he's at. I spoke to Squall right after he left here, and he told me everything."

Seifer shrugged, trying to express that he didn't care, but deep down his heart was racing. Squall wouldn't have done anything stupid? Even though Seifer had pushed him away when Squall had come to him full of hope, surely Squall was okay.

"What does this have to do with me?"

"Are you a total moron?" she asked, incredulous. "It's all your fault because you're an idiot."

"Stop calling me an idiot!" he shouted. "He's the one who lied to me. It's his fault."

"Oh, boohoo. He said he didn't have any confusion about how he felt for you when he was so afraid of his feelings that he could hardly breathe."

"He was really that afraid?"

"Yes," Rinoa nodded, her anger subsiding. "All he could think about was what if he said he might like you but he didn't like you. He knew that would only end up hurting you. Plus he was just afraid of you and himself. I understand you should be hurt by his lie, but to completely reject him . . ."

Seifer stared at her, and he suddenly realized how much of a fool he was for rejecting Squall. It wasn't as if Squall lied just to hurt Seifer. He was trying to protect both of them, and now he was somewhere, perhaps hurt, and it was all Seifer's fault.

"I'm such an ass," he muttered.

"Glad you finally agree. Now, get out there and find him."

"Right!" Seifer agreed.

He headed for the door, but Rinoa stopped him.

"Wait. Where are you going to look? You have no idea where he is."

"He's like a little boy who's just been wounded, where do you think children go when they get hurt?"

Rinoa thought for a moment, and then shook her head.

"We've already been to Esthar. Laguna hasn't seen him."

"Um, Rinoa," Seifer said. "Do me a favor and ask me something you know the answer to."

"Okay . . . Seifer, did you used to live in an orphanage?" she asked, confused.

"Actually, no I didn't. You see I had a wonderful set a parents and lived with them all my life until recently."

Rinoa furrowed her eyebrows and stared at him, about to protest.

"You see how easy that was?" Seifer inquired. "It's called a lie, Rinoa. Sometimes people do it to be mean, and sometimes they do it to protect someone, like a parent lying for their child because they don't want to see anybody."

"You're an ass," she laughed. "Just get out of here and bring him home."

"You can count on it."

* * *

Seifer banged on the door to Laguna's office and sighed angrily. He'd been given the runaround as soon as he arrived in Esthar and decided it was a mistake to announce that he was there looking for Squall. Everybody seemed to be in on the secret of keeping Squall hidden, but Seifer had finally managed to sneak his way inside to Laguna's office.

"I knew it'd be you," Laguna said when he opened the door. "Kiros and Ward said they saw you heading this way. I told them to let me deal with you."

"I want to see Squall," Seifer stated. "I know he's here."

Laguna studied Seifer for a moment the way a warrior studies its enemy. After about a minute, he shrugged.

"You're right. Squall is here, but he doesn't want to see anybody, especially you. And even if he did, I wouldn't let you in there to hurt my son again."

Once again, Seifer gave an angry sigh. If it wasn't Squall's horrible memory or Seifer's retardation, it was people trying to protect Squall from him. How would he ever make it up to Squall if he couldn't even see him.

"I'm not going to hurt him."

"Just like you weren't going to hurt him before when you rejected him?" Laguna spat. "There's no way you're hurting him again. He's my son, and I'm going to protect him."

"Making up for all those lost years, eh?" Seifer asked snidely.

Laguna's face flushed. "I . . . I had no choice. I had to leave him there. There was so much I had to do here."

"Save it, Laguna," Seifer said. "It's not your job to protect him. Your time to protect him was when he was a child, but you missed that. Now it's time for me to protect him. I'm not going to let you stop me from telling him that I'm sorry, that I need him!"

Laguna stared at Seifer, reading him again. "You do seem serious," he said. "Perhaps I am just trying to make up for those years by keeping him away from his friends and you. I just wanted to help."

"If you want to help, then let me see him," Seifer pleaded. "I was stupid, but you don't know how much I care for him. My pain began the day I saw his face, and it can't end until I feel his arms around me. Please, don't keep me from him."

Laguna rested a hand on Seifer's shoulder. "I was wrong. You're not the monster I was making you out to be in my head, and I lied. Squall never said he didn't want to see you . . . or his other friends. I just wanted to protect him. I'll help you, Seifer because I know you can be there for him the way you should be. I ran away from him, but you're running to him. If anybody deserves to protect him, it's you."

"Thank you, Laguna," Seifer smiled.

"The annual Estharian ball celebrating the defeat of Adel is tonight. You can see him then. It'll be more romantic that way," Laguna said happily.

* * *

Squall rolled his eyes and entered the Estharian palace ballroom. Laguna was throwing some annual ball that Squall couldn't care less about, somehow, he had managed to force Squall to show up for at least a few minutes. All Squall wanted to do was hide in his room, feeling sorry for himself and drowning in thoughts of Seifer, but Laguna seemed so excited about it that Squall couldn't refuse.

"Aren't you glad you came?" Laguna pressed.

He dragged Squall to an empty table, but as soon as they sat down, Laguna was on his feet again, dancing.

"Oh, my God," Squall complained. "Everyone's staring at you."

"It's alright," Laguna assured. "Come on, Squall."

"I don't think so. I don't really like dancing that much."

"Just like your mother," Laguna sighed.

"Raine didn't like to dance?" Squall asked.

"No, she loved to dance, but only with me. She wouldn't dance with anyone else or alone. She said that dancing was something two people who loved each other should share."

Squall looked down and felt his heart tighten. He always thought that Raine and Laguna's story was so depressing, but now his own story was beginning to match theirs.

"Sorry, if I made you sad," Laguna apologized. "Anyway, I was wondering when are you going back to Garden?"

Squall looked up at his father and shook his head. He couldn't go back there, not without Seifer at his side.

"I'm not," he whispered. "There's too many memories there that I want to forget."

Laguna nodded and sat back down.

"I'm not good at the talking thing, but I think everything will work out fine," he smiled. "Now, I'm gonna get out there and bust a few moves."

He jumped up and raced onto the dance floor, instantly making a fool out of himself but not caring in the least. Squall laughed a little to himself at the sight. It reminded him of Seifer. Seifer never cared what people thought of him, but Squall could never do something like that. He'd be to worried what people thought. The only time he could forget a little was when he was with Seifer, but . . . Only memories remained.

Unable to watch the sight any longer, Squall headed for the balcony where he could be alone again to wallow in his sorrow. As he stared out at the vastness of Esthar, he felt a strange pain that he would never again see Balamb again or hear the sounds of the students . . . or of Seifer.

"This place is like a wasteland. Balamb is so much more beautiful," a voice behind him stated.

Squall's heart skipped, and he spun around. With a smirk on his face, Seifer stood before Squall, staring at him with his powerful gaze, the gaze that always warmed Squall's heart.

"You're here!" Squall gasped. "Why? How?"

"Well, as to how, I don't really want to get into that again. I've already made Rinoa feel like an idiot," Seifer explained cryptically.

"Okay," Squall laughed, but he was a little confused by Seifer's response. "Well, then why?"

"Somebody helped me realize that I've been a moron for about a week now."

Squall smiled, feeling a joy he hadn't felt since he remembered how he felt for Seifer. Seifer had come back to him even after Squall lied, he had come back.

"I was an idiot too," Squall said, this time with tears of happiness brimming his eyes. "I shouldn't have lied to you."

"No, Squall. I should have realized you were afraid. I was only thinking of myself, not your fear. I had treated you so badly after you forgot about us, it was only right that you would be weary of me. I caused that."

"Let's not blame ourselves or each other anymore," Squall murmured.

"I agree."

Squall wanted more than anything for Seifer to take him in his arms, but Seifer didn't move, and Squall was too afraid to take a step forward. What if Seifer vanished like a fading dream? Why didn't Seifer hold him? Why was he still standing there?

"You're dad's an interesting dancer," Seifer said suddenly. "But why aren't you dancing?"

"Because my partner was late," Squall said with a blush.

"Forgive me," Seifer said with an elegant bow. "I lost my head for a while, but now I'm here."

He stepped forward and grabbed Squall's hand, pulling him into a tight embrace. Squall felt himself melt into that hold that he'd been waiting so long for. Like a light caress, Seifer brushed his lips against Squall's, and Squall accepted, finally finishing that kiss they had started so long ago.

"I wanna see you dance," Seifer whispered when they had pulled away. "You do dance, don't you?"

"With you?" Squall asked. "Always."

Seifer grinned and pulled Squall back into the ballroom and onto the floor. In perfect beat the pair danced together to a song that Squall would never forget. Years later when he was lying in Seifer's arms after making love, he would remember it and know that his life was perfect.

* * *

End 


End file.
